Digital Mom

Thoughts at 1 AM...

There are so many emotions, stemming from so many things, going on inside of me right now. So many feelings all mixed together. I'm having a hard time sorting them out, so I amgoing to use this blog as my outlet right now. Please excuse anything that seems long, choppy, boring, or that doesn't make sense. This post is mostly for me, to try to work things out in my head. Probably lots of typos and spelling errors, and I have a bad habit of skipping whole words when I type fast.

Where to start? The hurricane! I don't even know what to say. Words can not describe it. One minute I am crying in front of the t.v. and the next I am thanking God for everything that I have. Because who knows when It will all be gone. I wish there was somethng I could do. Something substantial. I feel helpless and scared for all of those people, and I just can not comprehend what is going on. The magnitude of it all. Then I feel guilty about any other emotion that tries to work it's way into my life. How dare I feel frustrated about the home warrenty company not calling back about our furnace. At least I still HAVE a house to heat!!! How dare I get frustrated with something my daughter is doing. At least she isn't dying of dehydration and starvation trapped on a roof in flood waters. Sometimes I have to make myself stop watching, ya know?

I am also feeling a mix of emotions about Motherhood. Sometimes I feel like a failure. When I have a rough day, If I get angry at Maya, If I am impatient and cranky. I have to keep telling myself, no one can be nurturing and patient and loving ALL OF THE TIME. We mess up. It happens. I also feel very, very lucky for what I have. A family. A wonderful little girl. I feel so bad for all the broken families, the bitter custody battles, the dads or moms who don't put their children first in their lives. I know that I should be thankful for what I have and how our life is. When I get too hard on myself, I need to remind myself that Maya is lucky, too. Too many kids are abused, neglected, abandoned. Kids that don't get read to, tucked in at night. I may not be a perfect mother, but I love my child, I always put her first, I would never choose ANYTHING over her, she changed my life.

I've been very stressed out lately, but I have also been doing a lot of thinking, and I have been realizing things more and more. I have gotten perspective from situations. Even other people's siutations.

Oh man I am so tired right now my eyes are popping out of my head and I am probably not even making any sense. I just really needed to type something down, ya know? There are things going on right now in my life, in the lives of people I know, and In the lives of people I don't know but whose faces I see on television. All of these things are having such an impact on me.

I can tell you right now... one situation, involving someone I know, is one I really should let go of. I can't explain right now. I am going to BED!!!!

P.S. New Photos!

That Was Then, This Is Now

I have been in a really strange mood lately. I'm not even sure if that's the right phrase to use in this situation. I will try to explain, but I'm not sure if it will make much sense. I can't even really make much sense out of it.

I think I am going through some kind of weird, self-evaluation thing. I have been thinking a lot about my past. Looking back, it's almost as if I have been several completely different people, like I have lived several seperate lives. I really am a completely different person. I know this is probably very normal, but it kind of intrigues me.

I have also been very curious about people from my past, too. Former boyfriends, former friends, former classmates from high school and art school. Keep in mind that I do not want to actually be in contact with most of these people, if any. I'm just curious. I've even been trying to do google searches, trying to be all detective like, haha. I haven't really gotten anywhere, and I refuse to pay anything to classmates.com.

High school I'm not all that interested in. Art school, for some reason, I am. I was so different then. I was so not myself. I was depressed, I made a lot of bad decisions, I was rebelling... against what, I'm still not sure. In retrospect it was a very, very low point in my life, the whole experience. Just thinking about it, any of it, gives me a weird, bad feeling. If any of those people saw me now, they probably wouldn't even believe it was me. Why am I suddenly so curious about them?

I kind of like comparing then to now. I like what I have become, I love where life has taken me. And you know what? I do not regret a single thing in my life. I do not regret a single choice I have made. I can finally say that with complete honesty. I truly believe that all I have done, and all that has happened, has made me the person I am today. Has brought me to this place in my life. I learned from everything. I always did have to learn things the hard way. I apreciate things. I apreciate my life for what it is, I know how lucky I am.

Something must be up in that subconscious of mine, though. Why am I thinking about all these people? People from 6th grade? People I knew for only a month, people who were in my life for years, people who made a significant impact in my life, people who didn't? Why do I want to know where they are, what they are doing, how they have changed? Why do I keep thinking about the past, reliving it in my head at times, trying to remember certain places, certain names...

I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. Maybe the therapy I've been going to is doing this. Maybe it's normal and just happens. Most likely this will pass. It's not an obsession or anything, just something I thought was kind of strange.

Anyone have any thoughts?